Where strange fact and stranger fiction collide
Most of you are aware that The Dave’s Corner of the Universe underground bunker is located on a goat farm. (Legal disclaimer by underground bunker, I mean my room, by goat farm I mean a goat farm). The name of the farm is GetFooLA. It stands for Get the F* out of LA, since they didn’t want to raise their children in Los Angeles. Today I am going to talk about 5 of our goats, since we have 38, I will probably write several meet the Goats of GetFooLA articles.
The thing you have to remember is that goats have two names, a barn name, and a registry name. The barn name is the goat’s day to day name. Registry name is what they are officially named on the records. The format is the name of the owner heard when the goat was conceived and then the name of the goat. An example would be Joe’s goat herd-This is my goat. But when it is climbing on something it shouldn’t you might yell “Get down, Fred.”
So let’s meet the goats.
Barn Name: Jessie. Registry Name: HALO-M IMA WANTED MAN, Gender: Buck. DOB: 6/21/2012, Children: Red Sky, Star, Big Boy, Claes, Fancy, Lugnut, Simo Haya, Lyudmila Pavlichenko. Jessie is the top male goat of the herd. He really has only one job, and that is to make baby goats, and he takes his job very seriously. He is so singled minded on this job that I wish his one job was to create cold fusion, if it was we would never ever run out of energy. Really he only works about six months a year on baby goat making, but that is all he thinks about those six months. The other six month are spent eating and laying around. Boy goats atract female goats by urinating on their face so you always know when it is that time of year.
We are told that his barn name comes from Jessie James, not the outlaw but the motorcycle making guy. He is a purebred, this means his genealogical line goes back to 1949. I am told that the records are kept in some government warehouse, next to the Arc of the Covenant. Purebreds are considered by many to be a higher standard of goats. If a goat cannot document his line to the Truman administration it is considered American, and can’t get into certain goat social clubs. Honestly I don’t know much about that part of goat breeding. His dad has “Superior Genetics”, which is based on some pretty complex estimates on his physical form that may or may not be correct, unfortunately it doesn’t mean he was injected with some secret captain American super goat solider formula which would be cool.
When he is not in rut (which is about half the time) he really is a sweet goat. When my mother was fetching water for some of the goats, one began crowding her. Jessie gently pushed it away with his head, to let her pass. He is a sweet goat even when he is in rut, but then he has urine on his face which is not as cool.
Barn Name: Hit Gurl. Real Name: BAGS-HIT GURL Gender: Doe, DOB: 5/27/2011. Children: Goliath, Peanut, Big Boy, Nose, Red Sky, Star, Dots, Ashly Madison, Bobby Tables, Zero Cool. She is our herd queen, she is the boss and will let anyone know it. A fighter who never gives up, she ate rhododendron when she was younger and almost died, but was able to survive the poisoning.
Hit Gurl’s family story sounds like a Horatio Alger story. She is an American because she doesn’t have a completely documented history, but is a direct descendant of a goat named The Beehive Peaks – Raggedy Ann, who was an unregistered doe of unknown history who became a Grand Champion. That is the goat equivalent to the movie Rudy.
Goats get appraisal scores, this is how their physical traits should relate to their milk production. To me it is kind of like a goat beauty context, but even though Hit Gurl isn’t our top producer she has the highest appraisal scores.
Barn Name: Peanut Registered Name: IM The DUDEs – TANK GURL DOB: 2/15/2013, Children: Claes, Lug Nut, Fancy, Squeaky. She is the child of Hit Gurl and mother of my goat Claes. We call her peanut because she was small as a child. Though Tank Girl is appropriate, because she is a tough goat built like a tank, and well cool because TG kicks much butt.
When she was a child only one on of her horns was burned off, so she is our unicorn goat. She is sort of the herd’s number two, since her mother is the Herd queen we call her the heard princess.
Barn Name: Bea. Registered Name: VIDONYA BE-A-BLUES SINGER. DOB: 3/9/2011 CHILDREN: Bea’s Boy (BB), Cayo, Simo Haya, Lyudmila Pavlichenko. I am not sure where we got Bea out of VIDONYA BE-A-BLUES SINGER, but she was brought in to open up a new genetic lines in the herd. In less than a year she made over a ton of milk. This is not hyperbole in a 255 day period she produced 2,000 + lbs of milk.it is no wonder that a single goat can make a huge difference to a third world village. But she is a goat of quality not just quantity, her milk fat average is 6%, (store bought cow milk averages 3.5%).
Barn Name; Claes Registered Name: GETFOOLA-FLEDACLAESJOHANSSON. DOB: 3/21/2014. Children: Quiatermass I, Quiatermass II, Kamala Khan, Goaty McGoatface, Teenage Negasonic Warhead. Claes is my goat, and is named after the character Claes in Gunslinger Girl, who looked like my daughter Emma, when she was that age.
Science has proved that she is the world’s smartest goat (legal note claim that Claes is the world’s smarted goat had not been proven by science, but again has not been disproved either). When she was younger she wanted to eat some leaves on a tree that were above our house. She figured out that she could climb up on a pile of junk and jump to a shed then jumped to the roof.
When she was a baby I use to b ring her into my room and we would listen to punk rock music and watch The Clone wars on Netflixs. Now she seems to like classic Neil Young and David Bowie. When I walk into the pasture playing eithers of those she immediately begins to bob her head. When she was younger and had to live outside the pasture she would look through the window and look for me. Her favorite food is raisins. She scores really high on her milk test and I believe it is because she stays up all night studying for them.