Where strange fact and stranger fiction collide
I drive my jeep through the rolling hills till I reach the Mcmansion. I get out on the gravel road and a tuxedoed butler takes me around back. There in the back patio is Black Philip, the break out star of the new movie The Witch. At 250 lbs the dark skinned actor cuts a fantastic profile. With his firm jaw and foot long horns…Oh I mentioned that Black Phillip was a goat didn’t I?
The first time I heard mention of the movie The Witch (2015) I was told how ‘the goat’ stole the show. He has become an internet phenome and even has a re-cut trailer of the movie featuring just him. Black Philip is enjoying the mid-day sun eating alfalfa and sipping a mint julip. He beckons me to take a seat.
“Thank you for letting me interview you.” The last interview I did with the goat from the original Jurassic park didn’t go over to well, because he could only make bleating noises. Fortunately Black Philip can talk
“Oh my pleasure.” The goat explains. “I have always been grateful of Dave’s Corner of the Universe pro-goat Positions.”
“Let’s start off with one of your personal passions, the importance of goats in the world.” I say breaking the ice.
His eyes grow animated. “Oh yes, thank you…In many places of the world goat milk is drunk much more than cow milk. Historically goats may have been one of the first animals that human domesticated, over 7,000 years ago. The gift of a few goats to a Third World village can mean the difference of survival or the village dying off. Goats a vibrant part of developing countries’ economies.”
“Wow. That is amazing.” I say then go for a hard hitting question. “There are however rumors about your behavior on set.”
He makes a sputtering sound. “Really most of that was just the tabloids, showing their bias against quadrupeds. Sure Robert Eggers the director of The Witch said that my actor Charlie was hard to work with and that he was aggressive one moment and sleepy the next…But he’s a goat what was Robbie expecting?”
“What happened to Charlie?” I ask.
Back Philip sighs. “Will the whole movie thing left a bad taste in his mouth and he pretty much dropped out of the Hollywood scene. He has retired and now lives on a farm eating brush and sleeping…Some say he went hippie…But I say, he is pretty happy the way his life turned out, he’s living the life he always wanted to.”
“How did he get the job?” I asked.
“Pretty much the same way a human gets a big movie roll, his good looks. His long gorgeous horns, black fir, jaw line, I mean ask any doe, the guy is a hunk. Works out too, teabo, pilates and cross fit the whole nine yards.”
“You have a twitter account I understand.”
“Well I don’t do it myself.” He shows me his hooves. “No thumbs. I have some IT nerd do it for me.”
“There has been some complaints by Wicca followers on how witches are protruded in the movie, how do you respond to that?”
“Ok…I get their point, but The Witch and witchcraft in the movie is not based on Wicca or Wiccans. It is a fiction based on a type of witchcraft that never existed, but it is based on the fears of witches and devils people in the 17th century created, it not supposed to be a real portrayal of magic, it has talking goats, I mean, come on people.”
“How do you feel about the movie being embraced by the Temple of Satan?” I ask.
Again he makes a sputtering noise. “The Temple of Satan, are not devil worshipers. They aren’t even a religion. They are more a political group. With trying to get a statue of Baphomet on a court house grounds. Let’s face they want to shock people get their names in the papers. Any time you are a big star, even a goat star, you are going to get a fringe group trying to ride your coattails.”
“Why do people think goats are evil?” I ask.
“I don’t think we are evil.” BP responds. “I think we are stubborn and the fact that we want our way vexed many a generation of goat farmers. Eliphas Levi responsible for the modern connection of the goat and the devil. But let’s be honest that guy was as crazy as an outhouse rat. He was pulling stuff out his poop hole. The whole modern concept of the devil with goat legs was made up by him.
I know you are big Lovecraft fan, we know HPL was familiar with Levi, because he sites him several times in The Strange Case of Charles Dexter Ward. That familiarity is probably how we get Shub-Nigguroth, Lovecraft’s perverted fertility goddess and an architype for goat like demons in the Pulps.”
Black Philip takes a sip of his Julip. “Also, goats seem to be able to almost speak English. Just look at all those Goats singing Taylor Swift post on the internet. It like we have some knowledge that we are trying to share with you that you cannot quite understand.”
He’s right when I feed the goats on our farm in the morning they seem to make a noise that sounds like “The Man…The Man…The Maaaaannnn…” It is very distinctive from the noise they make when they see me the rest of the day.
“Also human seem creeped out by our eyes.” This isn’t the first time I have heard that. They also glow at night if you shine a light in them like cat’s, but instead of red they glow blue.
“Do you want to address any goat urban legends?” I ask.
“Thank you for that opportunity.” Philip says shifting his wait in his chair. “I want people to know that goats do not eat cans.”
“They don’t?” I ask.
“No, we can’t digest them. The legends comes from the fact that goats will try to separate the can from the bottom and then eat the glue that holds them together. Trust me that glue is delicious.”
“What if they need some iron?” I quip.
“OK, first of all the cans are tin, and the act of an animal knowing what vitamins they need and instinctively eating them is called mineral sense and goats don’t have that. With the exception of salt they will crave salt when they need it.”
“Oh.” I respond. “You know when I am working on the farm, and the baby goats won’t do what I want them to, I threaten them ‘Black Phillip is going to get you’ How do you feel about that?”
He gives me a quizzical look. “I am not sure I like being the boogieman of the goat community. But I guess it is like ancient Roman mothers telling their children to go to sleep because Hannibal is at the gates”
“Well what about the presidential election?”
“Officially, the Union of Barnyard Animals forbids me from endorsing a human being in a human election.” Then he bends in to me conspiratorly. “But between you and me, if Trump wins I am moving to Canada.”
With that I leave Black Phillip to continue his day of chewing his cud, clearing brush and corrupting the souls of the innocent.